DEAL

A funny thing happened today: I've decided to really love me. Wanna know how it happened? Me neither ... just kidding.

Well it began like this: my mother called. Not like she usually does, like a recurring nightmare ... we made an appointment for her to call at a time during which I would be distraction-free & all alone - in other words, primed for martyrdom. I was in the process of raising a Trader Joe's BBQ potato chip to my lips (since I forgot lunch & was starving at 2+pm) when my trusty headset phone chimed out "We Wish You a Merry X'mas" - my mother's personalized ringtone.

I swallowed the chip virtually whole & licked my fingers whilst my heart dropped virtually to my feet from dread as I picked up the phone. She spoke ... and she spoke ... and spoke ... that tight feeling in my chest grew ... and it grew ... and grew ... until it was this inexplicable knot of pain, grief, loathing & hate. I lost my appetite - very un-Chinese of me I know, but how can one eat at a time like this? This was important: the beginning of the end.

Who is this person with whom I've been speaking for almost 2 hours?? Is this the person who bore me & shaped my very being from the 1st day of my existence into adulthood? Is there not iota of love, decency or motherly feeling in that Swiss cheese-maze of a brain of hers? She was relentless: on and on it went, the poking, the prodding, insulting & accusing. I would've chosen police interrogation over this, phonebook'n all - at least the police are trying to serve justice (most of the time anyway) - she was just out to tear me down ... for attention.

She ended the call with a flounce, a lethal cocktail of rejection, meanness & more cold rejection ... oh,and I need a favor, a sweet lavender polo in medium from Lands End - I just have to have one more.

Oh I cried ... I ranted & raved, and said I never wanted to talk to her or see her again (which I never do). Sooooo sad. Soooooo angry. Soooooooo very, very done. Finally, I was exhausted, & calm. Would I talk to her again? Probably, & soon too. Would I ever see her again? Probably too. Would I ever say, "Yes, she has her faults, but I love her because she's my mother." again? NEVER. EVER. Again.

She will never again be given the innocence of my love & trust again. She will be called "Mummy" because really, do mothers have any other name once they become mothers to their children?

To tear down your child's love for you from the very core of their being is a long, tiresome & painful process - about 37 years. That's how long it takes to tear down an optimist. Years of childish hope & faith, years of denial & therapy ... so many years of hate & guilt. When will she ever take care of me? Mummy?

So I will love me. I will take care of myself - a strange & alien thing to do. I'm not quite sure where to begin, or what exactly to do, how to start ... like the lone dorky early arrival at the first ballroom dance class at the community center. Good thing is, I'm a fast learner. Mummy, did you know I'm a very smart, lovable girl?

Well, who gives a $&#@ anymore? Deal.